Best Thoughts

Having someone tell me to do something, while I'm already in the process of doing it, will only make me hate them that much more.

A birthday is a celebration of a another year you've avoided death, but it is also another year closer.

Once I notice the audio is not in sync with the person's lips on television, I can't focus on anything else.

Remember the first three letters of funeral spell "fun"... but if you mix up the letters it spells "real fun"

15 Socially Awkward Things to Do Today

Swiss cheese has holes. the more holes, the less cheese. the more cheese, the more holes. therefore, the more cheese, the less cheese.

Why is it that whenever i sit on my remote by accident the only button pushed is the volume up button.

If something "goes downhill" it means it worsened, but if we say things are going to go "uphill" that means it's going to get harder. There's no winning when it comes to hills.

I'd think a dentist would do well to get new patients if he'd just advertise: "We won't judge or criticize your brushing and flossing, we'll just deal with the damage." I'd go there.

Watch Other People Talk to Themselves

Aliens invaded the moon on July 20th, 1969. Technically.

A lot can be said in eight words.

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